I don’t know when I started hanging out with a bunch of straight guys, but after I competed in a spitting contest and pointed out a hot woman’s ass yesterday, I’m concerned I’m about to lose my hag status. I spent the day with Alex, Mikey and Big Chris, bringing beer and cheese to Muir Beach and parking ourselves in the sand. Chris, unfortunately, is highly uncomfortable in most forms of nature and has a profound fear of sand. He refused to participate in the sand castle-off, and instead chose to sip his Tecate and “meditate and shit.” Once the wind picked up, and we found ourselves in a sand storm which ruined some pretty fabulous Brie, we packed up and headed over to the Pelican Inn. They might be straights, but my boys are trained well. They spotted 2 appalling and unacceptable fashion faux pas:
The first, and arguably worst offense was this pair of jeans, subtly captured on film. I don’t really know where to start. I believe these are Wrangler’s Molester Wash, and they appear to be tapered. I have no idea how long it took this guy to squeeze into these denim leggings, but I’m guessing it involved laying down and shimmying himself in.
The second atrocity is Lawrence of Arabia, who apparently hopped off a camel and uh, stood around looking like an asshole. I have no idea why people do this to themselves, but it took away from my Memorial Day experience.
We had to head to Sam’s, where people tend to be slightly less visually offensive. Although, that didn’t stop old people from hooking up directly behind Chris. It really was quite bizarre to behold, watching someone’s parent’s go at it in broad daylight, as if there’s nothing gross about this nonsense. I will admit, on a gorgeous day, Sam’s has some serious people watching. Alex and Mikey found themselves hiding behind their beer bottles, after spotting a guy from high school. Both instantly agreeing that this guy was a complete dick when he was 17, they reminisced that he would end arguments with the bracing, “Ok, well I’m going to go have sex with my girlfriend now.” This, it seemed, was his way of ultimately winning, as if manly arguments were pointless, because he had so much sex to go have. It was hilarious watching Alex do an entire routine of this poor kid still thrilled by the loss of his cursed virginity.
“Yeah, well, whatever. I’m going to go fuck my girlfriend now. Because I’m having sex. A lot. And you’re not. So, yeah, I’m pretty much going to have sex immediately. Deal with that, bro. Sex. Right now. With a girl.”
The sun finally set on Sam’s and the four of us headed back to my folks for barbequed chicken, a spitting contest and a heated discussion on Chuck Norris facts. Memorial Day was surprisingly low key, considering we hit the beach and bar hot spots. I would have gone out after dinner and had some wacky memorial day adventures then, but I had to go have sex with my boyfriend. Deal with that…