Once again, ripped from the pages of Dear Abby, Spots and Big Chris respond to the problems of everyday American idiots.
Dear Spots and Chris:
I recently began dating this guy, "Don," I met a few months ago. For the most part, he's good to me. The problem is I have strong feelings for him, but I'm not sure he feels the same way.
Don says he loves me, and he does treat me wonderfully -- something I've always wanted -- but I have this nagging feeling that "something" will go wrong. I don't know where this stems from. I feel myself starting to fall in love with him, but I don't know if I should because he has been married four times already. Please help me. I don't want to lose him.
-- HOLDING BACK IN OHIO
Big Chris’ Response:
Dear desperate girl in her late 20's / early 30's,
First of all it always sucks to be in a relationship where you're the one who has stronger feelings for the other person. Also I believe “Don” does love you and his actions show this.
Now let's get to the real issues here. I'm assuming you're between the ages of 27 – 34, that age when women start to get that look, that crazy ass look, when all they can think about is how they want is a man and baby, a man and baby, and nothing else matters. Basically these are your insane years and you're not thinking rationally. I you were thinking rationally you would see that Don has been married four times. Who are Don's heroes? Elizabeth Taylor and J Lo?
And that "something" you think is going to go wrong is Don will eventually kick your ass to the curb. The man simply cannot commit! I haven't had four girlfriends in life, let alone four wives. (I have had several girls who thought they were my girlfriend but that's neither here nor there…) What kind of alimony is this guy paying? Does he have any kids? You know you have to break it off with Don so get off your dead ass and do it.
Dear Holding Back,
Hell must have frozen over, because I actually agree with my burrito buddy. It completely sucks to be absolutely crazy about someone and pretty sure they couldn’t give a shit about you. But I think the reason Don’s drifting away is because you regard common sense as a “nagging feeling.”
Oh, that annoying intellect and intuition. Always getting in the goddamn way.
The pig’s been married 47 times, lady. He’s not stopping at 48. Also, I’m confused. What do you mean by, “For the most part, he’s good to me”? Like, he only beats me on Fridays? Don says “I love you” like most people say “What’s for dinner?” He sounds like one of those con-men on Unsolved Mysteries who are always bilking women out of their savings while wining and dining them at TGIFriday’s. They tend to be from Florida and involved in white trash pyramid schemes. Under normal circumstances, I’d advise you to, oh, I don’t know, ASK Don what his intentions are. However, you seem like an easily duped idiot, so I’ll just instruct you to bail.
Christ, if you end up missing him that much, you can always find another schmuck in shirt sleeves and a polyester tie wanting to tell you about his glamorous time-share business in Boca Raton…