I enjoy making fun of my ghetto-ass neighborhood. Sure, cars get stolen and hobos live in doorways. Yeah, my creepy neighbor watches us through the backyard fence. So what if Mariachi music is blasted into the street at all hours of the day. It’s charming, my little slice of the barrio.
But when Mikey and I stopped off at Wallgreens, on our way back from Inside Man (which rocked, incidentally), I had no idea that a jaded city slicker such as myself would be completely traumatized by the appalling yet all too common act we witnessed.
I should preface this by mentioning that this is the very Wallgreens with dented head man.
Dented head man?
Well, the name speaks for itself, although in very unlike Beth-fashion, cannot be exaggerated enough. I’d say 33% of his skull is completely dented inwards on one whole side of his head. It’s amazing and I can only imagine how he survived this obvious trauma. Needless to say, he’s no longer playing with a full deck of cards, but he manages to shave his whole head and other than the overwhelming dent, looks remarkably presentable begging for change.
The same cannot be said for the gentleman sitting in the driver’s seat of the SUV we parked next to. As I was getting out of Mike’s car, he whispered, “There’s a guy sitting in that car doing something weird. Be careful.”
Be careful? I’m six inches away from someone who appears to be in mid-attempt to blow himself. In broad daylight.
“What’s he doing?” I asked, afraid to open my door but wildly curious. His left knee rested on the window blocking his face, which faced downward in the heights of concentration. I quickly got out of the car and he barely glanced up. Unreasonably nosey, I had to peek. And I’m quite positive he was not pleasuring himself. Yet, I still had no idea what the hell was going on in that SUV.
We shopped around Wallgreens for awhile and after 10 minutes, returned to Mike’s car. As we approached, I saw the creepy guy hadn’t moved. “He’s still there.”
“Give me the bag.” Mike said, grabbing our purchase of jumbo toilet paper rolls. “Just get in the car really fucking quick.”
I will admit I was honestly terrified. We were parked really close to this guy and I had to squeeze right next to him to “quickly” get in the car.
Still, I looked.
I’ve seen television. I’ve seen movies. But when you see someone shoot heroin between their toes in broad daylight in the Wallgreens parking lot from 6 inches away, you’ve officially got street cred…
*tune in tomorrow for a fucking awesome celebrity interview…