I go through these phases where I consistently wake up at 3:30 and can’t go back to sleep until 5am. Needless to say it sucks, and I find myself frequently lying in bed with my eyes wide open worrying. Did I say the wrong thing at that meeting? Did I pay my cell phone bill? Is there someone wandering through the bushes outside?
Tonight, I found myself pacing around Judy’s, where I’m house-sitting, reading her Elle Décor and lamenting my energy and obvious chemical imbalance. Perhaps, I thought to myself, I should be using this time more productively. I mean, I could be mastering tai chi or perfecting my French. I could be painting great masterpieces or writing a novel. God, I could even be working out to Comcast Fitness on Demand. But did I do any of these things?
I returned to bed and attempted to will myself back to sleep. I’ve got a million mental time-killers, little games I developed for myself that so perfectly match my bizarre obsessions. But which one to play tonight? Then I remembered.
Super Celebrity Dream Date Times Five.
(right now, everyone reading this is rolling their eyes and turning off their computer. Except for Zoë. Zoë just let out a little gasp.)
Invented by Zoë and myself, while working our 400th show together backstage, Super Celebrity Dream Date Times Five is the mother of all time-killers. It began simply enough. While slaving away 8 shows a week, we hotly debated our Top 5 celebrities. Soon, tho, naming the 5 celebrities we wanted to sleep with became boring. We had to mix it up.
“Okay, you have to pick one celebrity to have a one night stand with, one to date for 1-6 months and one to marry.”
Playing this with gay chorus boys added a frequent element of surprise. “Girl, you know I love me some Levar Burton.”
At first, our celebrity games were mocked by jaded stage-hands who were far too cool to cop to a minor lust for Topanga from Boy Meets World. But after a while, our relentless discussions permeated all of backstage. By the time Zoë’s legendary Super Celebrity Christmas Morning rolled around, everyone was in on the action.
“How do you play this one?” asked our married, middle-aged boss.
Delighted to inform him that Super Celebrity Christmas Morning involved describing in intimate detail waking up on Christmas Morning to one’s ultimate celebrity fantasy, Zoë offered hers as an example.
“Okay, so I wake up on Christmas morning and sitting at the foot of my bed is John Travolta in a pilot’s uniform. He then informs me that he’s flying me to Tahiti on his private jet where we’ll spend New Year’s sipping cocktails on the beach and discussing behind the scenes Hollywood gossip. So I won’t be bored on the flight, he’s prepared me a fabulous basket filled with snacks and fashion magazines. Not only that, but also within the basket are all of the fabulous beauty products mentioned in the magazines, so I can test them out while I read about them, 35,000 feet over the Pacific.”
Momentarily silenced by the thought that he had actually hired this person, our boss suddenly responded.
“I wake up on Christmas morning to Raquel Welch making French toast…”
Exactly. Nice work.
Finally, the ultimate game was developed. A game so involved, with so many possibilities and variables, there could never be a better celebrity based time-killer.
Super Celebrity Dream Date Times Five.
Taking a good month to perfect, both backstage and on neighboring elliptical trainers, Super Celebrity Dream Date Times Five in a complicated blend of fashion, food and foxes. One must select five celebrities, one restaurant and one outfit. This act alone could take weeks. But wait. It gets better. You then pick one celeb to have drinks with, another for appetizers, the third you sit down to dinner with, the fourth is for dessert and coffee and finally, your last celebrity takes you to after-dinner drinks and then to bed.
Think I’m done? Hardly.
You’ve got to detail exactly what you eat and drink the entire time. AND, one must be incredibly specific about the ensembles of each and every celebrity date.
I know. We’re insane.
Far too involved for even the gayest of gays, Super Celebrity Dream Date Times Five is the exclusive pastime of Zoë and me. Few understand its complexity and genius and most mock it. That being said, it’s currently 4:51am and I am about to go to bed, miss my dear friend and begin the restaurant and outfit selection.
I’m thinking Boulevard and grey cashmere…