Friday, April 28, 2006

i am SO fighting with my boyfriend...

I don’t know what’s worse:

1. The bran muffin I had for breakfast feels like road kill slowly dying in my stomach.
2. I have to go to a conference in LA all weekend BY MYSELF.
3. Gavin was on the Sarah and No Name show this morning and gleefully admitted that Sofia Eurotrash Milos was his girlfriend.
Are you fucking kidding me?

I was driving along Van Ness minding my own business and flipping through the radio channels when I heard a familiar gravelly voice.
On and on he went, discussing hobos, litter and graffiti. You know, all the shit I don’t care about. Until finally, that sleazy Hooman dives in with 3 “personal” questions.
“Is Sofia Milos your girlfriend?”
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I swerved my car up on a sidewalk and held my breath.
“Well, I feel like a little boy answering this, but yes. Sofia is my girlfriend.”
The sound that escaped my body must have frightened those that heard it; basically anyone within a 10 block radius. My boyfriend is dating Eurotrash, folks. He might as well be fucking Ricky Martin.
It only got worse.
Gavin then went into excruciating detail of the first time he saw her. They played porn music in the background as the love of my life described watching Curly Sue walk into some wedding. Apparently, she was “tall.”
Hello? I invented tall.
And you know what, people? I could speak 7 languages too, if one of them was broken English.
One of the things I love about Gavin is his charm and condor. But when he uses it against me, like he did this morning, talking about their first kiss and what a goddamn positive person she is, I slowly died inside.
How could he openly date a poorly dressed illegal immigrant? How could he be so blinded by fake boobs and bad floral prints? How could he engage in a conversation with someone who is mildly retarded at best?
With a final twist of the knife, he actually plugged her mini-series.
Mini-series? She’s one step away from a Lifetime Afternoon Movie and he’s bragging about how his “girlfriend” is “working her ass off” on a “Primetime Mini-Series.”
Who let this happen? Don’t we have a responsibility as citizens of San Francisco to not allow this ridiculous “relationship” get so out of control? She’s a Scientologist, for christsake. She doesn’t care about Gavin. She’s just biding her time until she can arrange for the mothership to beam him up for anal experiments and cloning.
Cloning? Hmmmm.
Anyway, I would’ve driven over there and ripped the microphone away from him, but unfortunately, I’m currently sporting my 'Casual Friday' pigtails and do-rag look.
It’s not really Gavin appropriate.
Who am I kidding?
Based on his current tastes, I shoulda just swung by a Goodwill, picked up a quinceanera dress from 1989 and the goddamn mayor would have proposed…


Anonymous said...

"He might as well be fucking Ricky Martin."
-Solid gold, Spots. That is solid gold.

Violet Vixen said...

Awww. This post made me smile. Thanks.

LA's not so bad. My weekend is filled with seeing The Black Rider, the LA Times Book Festival, and Karen Finley at the Hammer, or I'd offer to take you out for a drink.

And I love the accidental substitution of "condor" instead of "candor." It's brilliant and hilarious!

Spots said...

He has a condor. He keeps endangered animals in his rooftop greenhouse/meditation space with his collection on ancient bonzais. The condor's name is Matt Gonzalez...

Anonymous said...

Hey Spots,

Hi! I'm the anonymous who wished you well in your pursuits to get together with Gavin a while back. I am SO with you on your opinion with Sofia Milos which is why I said maybe he isn't good enough for you. What does it say about him that, with all the women available to him (he can date ANYONE, right) he would choose her? Her breasts are fake, her age is fake (she suddenly became three years younger when she started dating Gavin), and her religion is fake (L. Ron Hubbard actually said the best way to make money is to start a religion - ergo, Scientology. And Sofia actually believes that crap). He's just thinking with his hormones and not even remotely with his head. Maybe that makes him typical of most men, but I thought he was better than that. Does he really think he could possibly marry a Scientologist and ever be a senator, congressman, or whatever he hopes to be. I know you think Gavin is the bomb, but I definitely think less of him now that he's with Sofia. Kimberly may have had a problem with making inappropriate, trashy remarks but at least she was smart and a REAL woman. And it sounds, from the sound of your blog, like Gavin is really into Sofia. If you still want him I hope you get him but I am disappointed in him.

Anonymous said...


I just clicked on the link you have to Sofia's website. And as an added quick comment, I think you're prettier than she is. Have a nice weekend and best of luck in your Gavin pursuits!

Spots said...

Most importantly, I love you anonymous.

Secondly, we cannot blame Gavin for being an American male, prone to distractions like boobs and passive, slow women. He will, no doubt, tire of her constant need to belittle the help and mention how much better everything is in Europe. And when Gavin does, I will dump whatever schumck I'm stringing along and forgive him. Until that day, all I can do is hope someone from NASA catches on to this alien in our midst and captures her for research and testing, before ultimately catapaulting her back into outer space, where she obviously belongs.

You rock.
Sofia sucks.
The rest is up to God...

Anonymous said...

You, my love, are almost funnier in your comments section than you are in your posts. Very nice, Miss Beth, although I don't know if I could be your friend if you were this insane in person.
I just wanted to say for the record that the two photos you feature in today's post represent that we are a city willing to elect the hottest candidate. San Francisco is a big city in a big country. Check out OUR Mayor. My boy is smokin'!

Anonymous said...

Face it, you're too good for Gavin! Your IQ is too high. You have too much style.

Loved this post, it's one of your best.

Anonymous said...

excellent information - just what my coworker and i were looking for but couldn't find anywhere else! she does have a pretty trashy filmography... keep us posted.