Wednesday, March 22, 2006

yeah, i'm just researching, um, sluts...

Once again, stealing from the files of Dear Abby, my burrito buddy, Big Chris and I will continue to solve the world's problems:

Dear Spots and Big Chris,
My heart is pounding and I'm at my wit's end. This situation is difficult to explain. I'm afraid that other readers may be facing the same horror that I'm dealing with, so please advise us on how to handle an extremely delicate situation.
My husband has it in his head to do genetic testing for "genealogy" purposes. It isn't cheap. One of the places he wants testing from charges a couple of hundred dollars. He has asked me to have it done, too. I told him I wasn't interested and I thought it was too expensive.
Now he wants to have our 17-year-old son tested. I have argued that our son should not have his DNA on record anywhere, that he really needs both parents to give consent for testing, and it costs too much.
The horror I really have is that, 18 years ago, I made an awful mistake. I don't know if my husband is the father of our son. I'm having panic attacks about his finding out how awful I was 18 years ago.
Can you issue advice that these DNA tests should not be used on minor children, and that there are powerful reasons why not? Can you think of any other reasons I can give for not having him tested so I can convince my husband to drop the idea? Please don't reveal where we live. You can say it's Minnesota.

Chris' Response~

Dear Skank,
You could have saved a lot of time and basically written I don't want DNA testing done on my son because it will reveal what I already know; my husband is not his biological father.
Do you not watch one of my favorite TV shows: nip/tuck?
Julia McNamara knew her husband Dr. Sean McNamara was not the biological father of their son Matt. It was in fact Sean's best friend and business partner, Dr. Christian Troy. While things worked out between Sean, Christian, and Matt (because guys are cool like that) Julia was kicked outof her mansion, OD'd on pills, had a fling with a serial killer and now lives in a shitbox, one bedroom apartment.
My point being in the end this will work out badly for you as the female. Is your man a good husband and father? If the answer is yes, then you have to put your foot down and say DNA testing is ridiculous for your son especially if he's healthy. Also discuss how the expense of the testing could be better spent on your kid's college education, a new roof, family vacation, etc. The only thing you have to do pull your shit together and quit having panic attacks or your husband will get suspicious.
Lying can be healthy for a relationship and your case its essential.

My response~

Dear Jezebel McFloozy,
Get with it. No one does DNA testing for genealogy purposes. I’m guessing your sly husband knows you’re the town tramp and suspects that obnoxious kid he’s been clothing, feeding and barely tolerating looks suspiciously like the milkman. He’s on to you.
And let me just say, Einstein, that your genius plan of pre-suggesting our advice is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. “Hey honey. Beth and Chris say you shouldn’t do DNA testing on children. Deal with that!”
Yeah. That’s gonna work. First of all, as a minor forensic enthusiast, I couldn’t be more Pro-DNA. Second of all, the last thing I need is an adulterous slut telling me what to print.
My advice is to skip town. Your husband hates you anyway (rightfully so) and your son is no-doubt blossoming into a pre-rampage serial killer due to all the mother issues you’ve dumped upon him. He’s most likely already mutilating small animals in a wooded area right now. Cut your losses and next time, consider a condom.
You're probably going to hell,


honorary roomie said...

ooh, beth is totally right. the husband's sudden interest in genealogy? he's seen one too many episodes of maury. my question is why has it taken him this long to figure it out?

Spots said...

Clearly, all of these people are idiots...

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