Thursday, February 23, 2006

you forgot about love, brother...

One would think that the highlight of my evening last night would have been the Project Runway Reunion. Aside from Lupe being shitfaced, which was awesome, I’ve got to admit that the show that sent me over the moon was perhaps the greatest episode of Dog, Bounty Hunter in the history of A&E.
As the foremost Bounty Hunter in all of Hawaii, Duane “Dog” Chapman tracks and catches a new fugitive each episode. Last night, he was on the tail of a drug addicted, dead beat dad, turned in by his pretty, young girlfriend and her new baby, Destiny Love.
After calling friends and neighbors, Dog finally gets Deadbeat Dad on the phone.
“Is this Jonathan?”
“Yeah.”
“This is Dog, bra.”
“Hey.”
“You skipped bail, brother. You got a baby.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You need to take care of that baby. What’s your baby’s name, bra?”
“Destiny.”
“Destiny what?”
“Er, uh, um. I don’t know how to pronounce her middle name.”
“Okay, bra. Well, we need to meet up and get this bail straightened out.”
Dog then slowly hangs up the phone and looks at his family around him. They all sit in stunned silence.
“This guy doesn’t know his daughter’s middle name.”
“I can’t believe it.”
Dog ponders, almost too angry to form words. “Yeah… he’s definitely going to jail.”
It’s important to note that Dog is an ex-con himself, turning his life around, finding Jesus and becoming the nation’s best bounty hunter. His wife, Beth, manages their bail bonds place and his brother Tim, son Leland, and collection of hangers on run rampant in Honolulu catching ne’er do wells.
There are three things about the Chapman’s that I love:
1. How seriously they take themselves and their work.
2. Dog and Beth regard each other as the pinnacle of trophy spouse. Dog is convinced he’s got the hottest lady in town and Beth couldn’t be prouder of her specimen of a husband.
3. It’s not their clothes that are funny. It’s the fact that the outfits are not meant as a joke. I mean, Dog wakes up and spends time on this look. He applies beaded arm bands, folks. Sometimes, he switches it up with leather. Beth has 3” nails and boobs the size of Texas. When catching fugitives, she’s dressed in Americana headbands and tank tops. Their hair alone…ugh, I love it.
I rolled around the couch in ecstasy, pointing out the intricate details of Dog and Beth’s ensembles to Mike. “Um, Beth. The reason you watch this show is not the reason other people watch this show.”
“It’s not? Why do other people watch this show?”
“They wanna see Dog kick some ass!”
Oh. I don’t care about that. Because as soon as Dog captures his fugitive and gets them in the back of his Suburban, he starts asking them about their parents and troubled childhood and next thing you know, a 500lb. Samoan named “Coconut” is crying like a little girl.
It’s not the fact that Dog hunts and catches criminals that makes this show so great. It’s how he does it. Like the way he arrested Deadbeat Dad, approaching him on a sidewalk, surrounded by an over-excited Leland, Beth and Tim, Dog’s tattooed arms bringing together pepper-spray over his head and slowly lowering it at Deadbeat Dad’s face. Ampped on adrenaline and a little rhyme he obviously came up with in the car, Dog finally cornered Deadbeat Dad.
“God has sent me from heaven above, but I’m arresting you in the name of Destiny LOVE!”
Um, yeah. That’s fucking awesome…

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I long to watch Bounty Hunter with you, Spots.

sfmike said...

Thank you for the Dog, Bounty Hunter tip. The musical loop on his website you linked to will never leave my brain.