My dear friend, Big Chris, often takes it upon himself to point out the many flaws in my appearance. I’ve come to realize that this is not only his way of showing that he “cares”, but it’s brutal honesty from a straight man, which I find a rare commodity with hidden value. Anyway, my latest aesthetic issues, according to Big Chris, are that I need to let my hair grow out and I’m too pale.
I hate to admit it, but the idiot has a point.
I’ve always been a big tanner, and look dramatically more fabulous with some color. But it’s February, Chris, and I don’t really want to get, you know, cancer. The pastiness is a problem though, and been bugging me since I lost my tan in October. So, in the interest of healthy shallowness, I spent 45 minutes at RiteAid examining every single product in the self tanning aisle.
I determined that products were differently priced for a reason, and therefore, playing upon my snobbery and poverty status, I went middle of the line, selecting Neutrogena’s Deep Tanning Foam.
I have no idea why I went with foam over lotion. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Yesterday, after showering, I announced that I was going to apply my self-tanner and as soon as I emerged from the bathroom, I’d look like I just got back from Ibiza.
The foam comes out of the container dark brown and scary looking. I slapped it on one leg and rubbed it around enough, seeing no sign of streak. When I finished, my right leg really did look fabulously tan. I did the left. Fabulous again. Well, at this rate, let’s do the whole shebang. Any part of my skin that might possibly peak out from clothing and that I could reach, I foam-self-tanned.
I came out of my room and found Mike. “Do I look tanner?”
“Oh my god, you DO! Wow. That shit worked. You don’t even look like an Oompa Loompa.”
“Sweet. I love you, self tanning foam. Aside from your weirdo smell, that is.”
I immediately joined Mike in the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher and reloading it. As I ran a pasta pot under the sink, I noticed something terrifying. Any water that touched any portion of my foam tanned skin would immediately and seemingly melt the tan. I grabbed a paper towel and attempted to rub it in.
Believe it or not, this seemed to work.
I went about the rest of my day feeling tanner, and thus, better.
I woke up this morning and rolled out of bed. As I brushed my teeth in the mirror, I checked out my neck to see how my tan was holding up. Uh, the tan was great. But the brownish stains on my favorite embroidered pink caftan were not great. What the hell, Neutrogena?
Not only that, but I have drip stains running from my wrist to my elbow, blotchy patches of white and brown on my legs and I still fucking reek.
Remind me why the sun is bad, again…