So, the other day I was walking into Safeway and suddenly had to pee. I made my way to the Safeway bathroom, where I believe someone actually lives permanently, and found it covered in caution tape. Thus, I wandered over to Peet’s Coffee and while not a customer, per se, snuck back to the restroom where I found a toothless man in line before me. He looked up at me, things falling from his hair as he said, “This here’s the line. But goddamnit, this fella been in there for a coon’s age. He best be out soon.”
“Cuz I got to go. Now!”
I avoided eye contact and debated whether or not I wanted to use the bathroom immediately after this guy. I mean, if he had shit falling out of his head hair, it can only get worse. We heard water running and soon the Peet’s bathroom door opened, a scraggly looking yet oddly tall house-painter emerged, apologizing to both hair shit and me.
Still confused as to why he was apologizing, hair shit walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. Hours later, he emerged and offered the upsetting, “I lit a match for you.”
I walked in the bathroom and damned if there wasn’t the smell of smoke and a used match floating in the toilet…