Friday, January 06, 2006

where's tonya...

If you ever take advantage of any of my bizarre and ridiculous recommendations, this is the one. Tomorrow at noon, on my favorite TV channel, Bravo, is the only rerun of “McCormick Presents Kristi Yamaguchi Friends and Family.”
Listen to me. This is the greatest television special in the history of the world. I’m serious. I could not feel any stronger about this.
Sitting on Andy’s bed last night, eating burritos and flipping through the channels, Andy suddenly screamed.
“Oh, girl, stop! Put down the remote! Figure skating! Look at that man’s ass!”
“Andy, you can’t be serious. This is Kristi Yamaguchi Friends and Family.”
“Just let me watch for a minute. Look at him go!”
“Is he skating to Kenny Rogers?”
“Oh, yes. I love Kenny Rogers. My mom was obsessed with him.”
With that, the skater with the ass spins around the rink as the camera pans over to…Kenny Rogers! Singing “Lady” on a stage adjacent to the rink! As a gay, gay figure skater performs the shittiest choreography I’ve ever seen!
It was wonderful.
But even better, Andy didn’t think it was funny. He thought it was art. And he was singing along. This display was merely the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. The whole concept of Kristi Yamaguchi Friends and Family is parents and kids, so we have to meet the dreadful family of each skater before their big number in some kind of poorly edited up close and personal montage of Scott Hamilton’s den. Worse, it’s sponsored by McCormick, the cheap spice company, so everyone’s got to give their favorite family recipe. The best was the Russian chick who didn’t speak any English.
“I like make meatball. I grind meat. It very family recipe favorite.”
Andy and I were kicking and screaming, it was so fabulous.
If you watch, you have to watch the whole thing. Because at some point, a man dressed in a low-end clown costume comes on and does what can only be described as a horrible, embarrassing, abstract, conceptual children’s medley, in which you can feel the suddenly uncomfortable audience shift in their seats. Kristi took us to commercial as Andy said, “I’m Kristi Yamaguchi, and I had nothing to do with that.”
Some glorious performances follow, including a man with long blonde hair tearing the house down, an adorable mother/daughter routine by the Russian meatball chick and Nancy Kerrigan awkwardly rocking out in her skates to golden oldies. Kristi, who’s super pregnant and not skating, appears every once in awhile in taped segments and joins us at the end to introduce Kenny Rogers and his live medley of hits. Kenny, god bless him, does that fabulous move where he pulls the mike away from his amazing voice, for fear of overpowering his audience with his immense talent. Literally, every belted word from his lips requires him to squint and twist his head away from the microphone.
It’s worth watching just for this, and to see how incredibly old Kenny looks.
Needless to say, people skate to this madness, including one minute of 2 female skaters doing choreographed movies while holding babies up in the air in unison.
Hello? What could be better?
Oh, wait. I know.
Before Kristi and her freak show, we were watching Dr. Phil and one of the guests resembled Andy’s Uncle Jerry. This quote is verbatim. Literally.
“Oh my god, that guy is totally my Uncle Jerry. The same laugh. The same moustache. He’s even missing the same tooth!”
If you do one thing tomorrow, make it McCormick Presents Kristi Yamaguchi Friends and Family at noon on Bravo. After you see Russian meatball chick land that triple axel in the middle of a McCormick spice logo made of ice to the musical stylings of Kenny Rogers, you’ll thank god you’re an American…

3 comments:

roomie said...

i actually saw tonya skating at the mall in oregon. wearing a mrs. claus suit. and handing out candy canes. and this was AFTER she smacked nancy.

Anonymous said...

Or, you could have us over for a viewing? We each have to bring a McCormick recipe. And we do a shot every time someone falls.

Nihilistic said...

Totally random comment: Our bed is named Tonya. Its low and knee level and whacks our knees ALL the time! AND I used to listen to Kenny Rogers while roller skatting with my friends. So...that's my comment, it goes I think.