By far, the best and worst thing about going out is meeting strangers. On Friday, Zoe, KJ and I headed out to the Beach Chalet. Don’t ask me why. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
KJ walked into the bar with a glass of wine already in her hand and found us sitting by the band.
“I was waiting downstairs at the Park Chalet. And this freakshow kept trying to talk to me. We should go find him later and make him buy us drinks. He claims to be loaded.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Some nut. I’m serious. I told him I was meeting friends and he was like, ‘I’ll buy all of your drinks. I’m rich!’ So I said we might come down.”
“Oh my god. How bizarre.”
Needless to say, after a few drinks, we wandered downstairs to the Park Chalet. 2 seconds later, the nut was upon us. Few people in this world have perfect celebrity equivalents, but the nut WAS Wallace Shawn, only slightly taller.
Seriously. Vizzini from The Princess Bride. Mr. Hall from Clueless. Stuart Best from Murphy Brown. Immediately, he announced his immense wealth and stumbled up to the bar to buy our drinks. Zoe chose to celebrate the occasion by ordering Champagne. Worse than this guy’s advanced age and unattractiveness, worse than his oddly bandaged and filthy hands, worse even than his weirdo friend, whose hands were similarly and mysteriously bandaged, was Vizzini’s insistence on telling KJ she looks just like Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle.
“Say moose and squirrel! Say it!”
I could not believe I was sitting through this asshole’s bullshit for a couple of free glasses of Pinot. “So, what exactly do you do that makes you so filthy rich?”
“Ha! Sass! I like it! I’m in precious metals.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
He then proceeded to slur an incomprehensible answer while calling me a pushy broad. Zoe was having none of this and decided we were leaving. We gathered our belongings and said goodbye as politely as possible. As we walked out the door, he screamed one last time, “Say it! Say moose and squirrel!”
When we got home, Zoe sat down in the kitchen.
"He's kinda right."
"Who? The nut?"
"Yeah. Kristin does kind of look like Natasha..."