I am a sick, disgusting, tainted person, but I totally check out other women in the locker room at my gym. I’m not looking at them to admire or mock their bodies. You could present me with a limbless, morbidly obese woman with that South American hairy face disease and I’d still think she was hotter than me. Truth be told, I really just marvel at other women’s comfort with public nudity.
I’m never naked. I hate it more than anything. Seriously. I’ve been naked maybe twice in my entire life. Blame society.
Anyway, I’m in the locker room this afternoon, stashing my shit in a cubby hole and I can’t stop myself from eyeing this 80 year old mass of blue and white flesh attempting to towel dry every fucking nook and cranny of her naked, naked self. Unable to look away, I totally stare as she nonchalantly wanders around her bench, piled, mind you, with tons of perfectly wearable elastic waist polyester pants and collared sweatshirts. But no. She performs every post-workout locker room task 100% nude. Scraping her sparse scalp with an afro-pick? Nude. Smacking Walgreen’s lotion upon the few sections of her back she could reach? Nude. Walking THE ENTIRETY of the locker room to the sink so as to wash said lotion from her hands? You guessed it. Totally goddamn naked.
It is at this point that I see a like-minded gawker blinded by the same sight, also unable to stop herself from observing this unnerving image. My fellow voyeur and I make uncomfortable eye contact as the octogenarian shimmies by and for a moment, I’m convinced I’m about to be forcibly removed from GhettoGym. Thankfully, we were both so simultaneously grossed out by the scene and horrified to be caught that we started laughing, the naked mass of varicose veins totally oblivious to our shared horror.
While I’m embarrassed, frightened and most likely, irrevocably scarred from today’s locker room peep show, I feel much better about myself knowing that I’m not the only pervert checking out the elderly in the ladies room of GhettoGym…