Tuesday, December 06, 2005

courtesy flush...

Unfortunately, I don’t work in a big, fancy office building. My office is in this bizarre ancient shack, much like an old Lion’s Club or Rotary Hall. In addition to our offices shoved in the front few rooms of the building, the remainder of the structure consists of a big wood paneled hall with the requisite stage, a rodent infested kitchen and of course, boys and girls potties. We spend much of our time lamenting the grossness of the bathrooms (my boss just walked in with, “It’s like going to the bathroom in an outhouse!”) and I can categorically list for you the Top 5 reasons my work restroom is worse than yours:

5. There is no soap in the dispenser. There is an oddly shaped, 5 year old bar of turquoise on a summer camp plastic salad plate, but there is no soap in the dispenser.
4. It is freezing. Literally. We are currently discussing keeping a unisex down parka at our front door for the mad dash one must make to the bathroom. But now that I think about it, the only thing grosser than our bathrooms is the concept of a jacket worn for the sole purpose of using said bathroom.
3. The toilet paper roll does not rotate. Thus, to access anything beyond a single square, one must manually un-wrap the paper, much like flipping a bitch in a car without power steering.
2. This bathroom isn’t just utilized by us. If it was, we’d actually put some effort into making it acceptable. But this bathroom is used by everyone from the weekend driving school class to the annual pancake breakfast crowd, meaning that often, we arrive on Monday to an array of indescribably infractions. Just thinking about some of them make my eyes water.
1. The only thing worse than the ladies room is the men’s. As I was discussing this with my coworker, Ben yesterday evening, he offered me a tour of the men’s room. Each of my senses was bombarded simultaneously and as I ran out the door and into the fresh air, I concluded that the only thing more disgusting than women is men.
For whatever reason, the sink is approximately 4 inches from the urinal. Worse, within the lone handicapped stall is, in addition to the requisite toilet, a bizarre hole in the ground surrounded by less than a foot of white plastic. Had I to guess, I’d suspect this is where the scent of fecal death emanates from. As we stood in the hallway mocking the facilities, Ben mentioned that the bizarre design of our work restroom has created some uncomfortable conundrums of men’s room etiquette.
Men’s room etiquette?
Yeah, apparently, there are all sorts of rules surrounding the men's use of the urinal/trough. In asking my brother about this, he leapt at the chance to describe for me, in detail, all of the very specific rules involved in using a men’s room.
My favorite of Alex’s do and don’t list?
The very Ghostbusters-esque, “Oh, and obviously, don’t cross streams…”


Towski said...

Top 5 reasons my work bathroom is worse than yours.

I work for a company that handles school supplies. The warehouse and sales offices abut each other. Just painting a picture here.

5) There can be only one. Bathroom, that is. Men, women, undetermined. We are all equal in the eyes of the bathroom.
4) Hand soap? What's that?
3) The back wall is against the warehouse. You not only get the feeling a forklift is about to lift the stool up from behind, but that lovely Tejano Mexican wedding music makes the experience much more pleasant.
2) The copy machine is located directly outside the door, and is in constant use.
1) Someone with rage issues once tried to punch a hole in the door. This problem is currently being addressed throught the McGyver like combination of paper towels and duct tape.

Wanna trade?

Anonymous said...

Five reasons my bathroom is worse than yours:
1. The "sink" is kind of an old fashioned washing trough where women did laundry in the 30's.
2. There are items of undertermined nature attached to the wall, perhaps having something to do with the porn video studio that previously was here.
3. Two dead mice have been found there.
4. If we don't know where to put something, we store it in the bathroom.
5. The mirror makes everyone look fat.
On the positive side, it's no colder than the rest of the office cause the whole place is freezing. And, most importantly, there's terrific artwork on the walls. XOXOMOM

Elliot said...

When you said "stool" did you mean the seat, or...the stool????

Towski said...

Sorry for my old timey toilet reference. Stool is an old term for toilet seat.

Anonymous said...

Bethy - Don't forget the recent addition to the freezer... the new "ritz" toilet. Christened by a daily dose of morning sickness courtesy of moi. Add that to your top 5! Forever, Marge

Spots said...

Oh yeah. A few months ago, the big hubub at work was the replacement of the Eisenhower toilet with a new "white" one. Margot threw elbows in her insistence to be the first one to christen it. No one could really understand her bizarre need to place her ass upon it before all others and while confused, we merely smiled and nodded at the then hugely preggo woman in elastic waist pants and said, "No, problem Marge. You go right ahead."

Oh, and morning sickness, my ass. I know what barf smells like and I know what shit smells like. Nice try, Mrs. Lipkin...

Anonymous said...

hmmm...I think you should get your sniffer checked Bethy cuz my lovely lady lump would never use that restroom for all intensive purposes. Who knows what's growing on that toilet seat! :) Marge

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