So, I think we all know what I did last night at 10.
Uh, hello? It’s Barbara Walters 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005. Sadly, I was number 11 and my fascinating interview didn’t make it to air. Luckily, my voice cannot be silenced and I shall leave you selected excerpts of my interview with Babs:
(fountained courtyard of random Ian Schrager hotel, Barbara in something from St. John’s 1984 resort collection, Beth sitting opposite her in highly dramatic chiffon and diamonds, a la Elizabeth Taylor/Diana Ross/Elton John.)
Barbara (insert speech impediment): Tell me, Beth. Are you surprised to be chosen as one of my Most Fascinating People of 2005?
Beth: Frankly, Barbara, no. I’ve been waiting for this moment since that suit debuted. It’s about fucking time so let’s get the show on the road. Make me cry, old lady. I dare you.
Barbara: Ha! There’s that biting wit that’s come to offend and confuse so many. Rumor has it, you’re poor. What’s that like?
Beth: It sucks. Worse, I have very expensive taste. I only pay retail. Anything else is embarrassing. Have you met Gavin?
Barbara: Are you referring to the Mayor of San Francisco?
Beth: What? I didn’t understand a word of that.
Barbara: What does Beth do to unwind? How does Beth relax? What makes Beth smile?
Beth: Not speaking in the third person. Oh Babs, I’m just fucking with you. Um, I unwind by going to cheesy gay clubs by myself on Sunday afternoons and dancing like I know what I’m doing. I also enjoy Marathon Monday’s of the West Wing on Bravo and selected episodes of Dog, Bounty Hunter.
Barbara: You’re really quite a fan of television. If you were to select my list for Most Fascinating People of 2005, whom would you pick?
Beth: Good question. I’m way ahead of you.
10: Tara Reid
9: Joe Simpson
8: Kate Moss
7: Paris Lastis
6: Clay Aiken
4: Anna Ayala, the Wendy’s finger chili lady
3: Barbara Bush
2: Margaret Perrin
1: Joaquin Pheonix