Wednesday, October 12, 2005
i'm going to die alone...
I give up. I’m throwing in the towel. I’ve officially screwed myself. I hope you all enjoy it.
We arrived at the Comedy Club Benefit last night, and after Zoe made it clear that we were VIP’s, we were ushered into the club. Immediately, we stood before a backdrop and had our photos taken, Big Chris looking like a linebacker and refusing to stand next to anyone. The photographer’s assistant took our names as I screamed at Chris through gritted teeth that he was fucking up my chances of appearing in PaperCity.
“Screw you. I don’t give a shit.”
“I do! How will Gavin ever know who I am if I’m not in PaperCity.”
We wandered upstairs to the bar where I enjoyed a hummus plate with Kamala Harris and sipped some specialty cocktail. The photographer came around again, attempting to capture Zoe, Richard and I in a moment of fabulousness. That is, until Big Chris stepped right in front of her, cockblocking our fabulous photo. Even Zoe was pissed. “Chris! You just screwed up our photo. Again.”
“Whatever. Get me another drink.”
The photographer wandered away, frustrated and wondering who let Big Chris in. It was finally time to head down to our table and as Zoe’s boss paid top dollar, we were right in front. But there were two empty seats. “Oh, I recognize those names.” Zoe said. “I think they’re with Gavin.”
I soon found myself engrossed in a conversation with fabulous Marin people at the next table, chatting about the Junior League and the single life. In the background, I heard Zoe attempt to introduce me, but I didn’t really pay attention. “This is Beth. She’s busy schmoozing…” Whatever.
I finally turned around to meet my new table mates. “Hi, I’m Beth.”
Zoe leaned in. “They’re with Gavin’s office.”
“Oh!” I screamed. “So you work for my boyfriend.”
Dead silence. I took another swig of Hangar 1 and continued. “I mean, Gavin’s numero uno on my top 5.”
“Yeah. Top 5 list of celebrities I plan to bed. Gavin’s number one.”
“Wow. Number one." They looked concerned, confused and frightened.
“Absolutely. I mean, he’s the most geographically desirable.”
Zoe, Richard and Big Chris just stared at me. You’d think I’d stop. Nope. Still going.
“Oh, yeah. Gavin and I are destined to be together. He’s just unaware. But I’m working on it.”
“You know, he’s still married.”
(dramatically, rolling eyes.) “Whatever.”
My friends still stunned into silence, I then engaged our tablemates into a discussion of my Top 22, getting a few chuckles here and there, but for the most part, acting like a huge, pathetic asshole. Which, you know…I am.
They offered some Ashton and Demi gossip, politely acted like I was mildly entertaining and then silently thanked the tech staff for dimming the lights and starting the show.
Afterwards, we stood on the corner and recapped. “Jesus Chris. I can’t believe you fucked up my PaperCity photo.”
“Hey, at least I’m not the psychotic stalker.”
“I know.” Richard said. “I couldn’t believe you were saying all that.”
“What are you talking about?”
Zoe sighed. “That was Gavin’s Chief of Staff, Beth.” *
“Yeah, I tried to stop you but…”
It was too late. Before she could finish, I ran into the street, attempting to commit suicide by cable car.
Security has no doubt been alerted, the mayor’s staff had a good chuckle around the coffee maker this morning, and I went home with $15 worth of crappy Indian food and slit my wrists. But hey, at least he knows who I am…
* -upon further research, it wasn't his Chief of Staff. It was his Senior Advisor. Not so bad, right?
at 10:51 AM