Wednesday, October 12, 2005

i'm going to die alone...


I give up. I’m throwing in the towel. I’ve officially screwed myself. I hope you all enjoy it.

We arrived at the Comedy Club Benefit last night, and after Zoe made it clear that we were VIP’s, we were ushered into the club. Immediately, we stood before a backdrop and had our photos taken, Big Chris looking like a linebacker and refusing to stand next to anyone. The photographer’s assistant took our names as I screamed at Chris through gritted teeth that he was fucking up my chances of appearing in PaperCity.
“Screw you. I don’t give a shit.”
“I do! How will Gavin ever know who I am if I’m not in PaperCity.”
We wandered upstairs to the bar where I enjoyed a hummus plate with Kamala Harris and sipped some specialty cocktail. The photographer came around again, attempting to capture Zoe, Richard and I in a moment of fabulousness. That is, until Big Chris stepped right in front of her, cockblocking our fabulous photo. Even Zoe was pissed. “Chris! You just screwed up our photo. Again.”
“Whatever. Get me another drink.”
The photographer wandered away, frustrated and wondering who let Big Chris in. It was finally time to head down to our table and as Zoe’s boss paid top dollar, we were right in front. But there were two empty seats. “Oh, I recognize those names.” Zoe said. “I think they’re with Gavin.”
Sweet.
I soon found myself engrossed in a conversation with fabulous Marin people at the next table, chatting about the Junior League and the single life. In the background, I heard Zoe attempt to introduce me, but I didn’t really pay attention. “This is Beth. She’s busy schmoozing…” Whatever.
I finally turned around to meet my new table mates. “Hi, I’m Beth.”
Zoe leaned in. “They’re with Gavin’s office.”
“Oh!” I screamed. “So you work for my boyfriend.”
Dead silence. I took another swig of Hangar 1 and continued. “I mean, Gavin’s numero uno on my top 5.”
“Top 5?”
“Yeah. Top 5 list of celebrities I plan to bed. Gavin’s number one.”
“Wow. Number one." They looked concerned, confused and frightened.
“Absolutely. I mean, he’s the most geographically desirable.”
Zoe, Richard and Big Chris just stared at me. You’d think I’d stop. Nope. Still going.
“Oh, yeah. Gavin and I are destined to be together. He’s just unaware. But I’m working on it.”
“You know, he’s still married.”
(dramatically, rolling eyes.) “Whatever.”
My friends still stunned into silence, I then engaged our tablemates into a discussion of my Top 22, getting a few chuckles here and there, but for the most part, acting like a huge, pathetic asshole. Which, you know…I am.
They offered some Ashton and Demi gossip, politely acted like I was mildly entertaining and then silently thanked the tech staff for dimming the lights and starting the show.
Afterwards, we stood on the corner and recapped. “Jesus Chris. I can’t believe you fucked up my PaperCity photo.”
“Hey, at least I’m not the psychotic stalker.”
“I know.” Richard said. “I couldn’t believe you were saying all that.”
“What are you talking about?”
Zoe sighed. “That was Gavin’s Chief of Staff, Beth.” *
“WHAT?”
“Yeah, I tried to stop you but…”
It was too late. Before she could finish, I ran into the street, attempting to commit suicide by cable car.
Security has no doubt been alerted, the mayor’s staff had a good chuckle around the coffee maker this morning, and I went home with $15 worth of crappy Indian food and slit my wrists. But hey, at least he knows who I am…


* -upon further research, it wasn't his Chief of Staff. It was his Senior Advisor. Not so bad, right?

15 comments:

lyqrx said...

oh, but the intrigue is spiraling around in his head right now...

big chris said...

good afternoon,
a few quick thoughts on last night's events. first of all why is it
that every time I go to one of these vip events with you there
is never any fucking food. luckily there is always plenty of alcohol
and I usually drink enough to kill a medium size asian family.
I did get in the way of your one photo op with zoe but I don't
see what the big deal was because the photo person was taking
pictures all night and I got my picture taken about 5 more times.
your behavior last night at our prime table was absolutely priceless.
first of all you blow off the mayor's guy and his wife when zoe's
trying to introduce them to you to, then when newsom's name is
mentioned you start yelling about how gavin is #1 on your top 5 list,
and my personal highlight was when it brought up that gavin and
kimberly are still married you got all pissed off and began spewing
bile. also at the end of the night when richard and zoe explained that
mike was gavin's chief of staff the you had this look on your face
like someone just punched you in the stomach.
well done beth...

Spots said...

While the above is for the most part, true, allow me to say this in my defense: I didn't blow them off. I was talking up the exceptional organization of which I am employed by to the folks at the next table. What was I supposed to do? Say, "Oh, sorry. More important people are here. Later." Clearly not.
And while I regret my rant, both on the subject of my Top 5 list and Gavin's personal life, I regret most of all that when one opens PaperCity this weekend, they will find a photo of Big Chris in an orange shirt...

big chris said...

thanks. I want your legions of fans to know my version of
last night's events. when's the next high society function
you and I are going to ?

Spots said...

NEVER! You do not facilitate me ending up in the society pages. Unless we have photo-op practice sessions, you’re out pal. I’m taking you to etiquette classes, you big ape. Perhaps, we could both use them...

big chris said...

first of all I wasn't the one making an ass out of myself last night. also
if I get my photo in the society section or whatever I'll lose a lot of
my street cred. also I predict your behavior last night will lead to a
gavin/kimberly reunion mostly because I'm sure you're one of the
mayor's many psychotic groupies and after mike tells him about last
night gavin will think to himself, damn. there are some crazy bitches
out there. maybe I'll make this long distance thing work...
put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Anonymous said...

you know...thats an awfully pretty photo of you and zoey...
KG

Spots said...

Thanks, Katherine!

Spots said...

I've just spoken with my man on the inside. Turns out, not the Chief of Staff, Miss Zoe-I-Can't-Believe-My-Roommate-Is-Such-An-Idiot.
He's the Senior Advisor, whatever that means. Thus, I think we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief. Man on the Inside tells me Senior Advisor hears this shit all the time, although probably via letters of the alphabet cut out of magazines and pasted to psycotic mail as opposed to sitting next to him at a swanky benefit.
None the less, I've been filed into the nut cabinet and I've comes to terms with it. I've been there before and I'll be there agin.
Plus, Man on the Inside has no problem telling me I'm an idiot, asshole or similar, and I gave him the NC-17 version. He wasn't impressed. Spots is currently exhaling...

Anonymous said...

Spots, since you love Gavin maybe you know. Are he and Kimberley getting back together or not? He no longer wears his wedding ring; his press aide, Peter Ragone, claims the delay in their divorce was for purely technical reasons; and Gavin is supposedly dating other women according to columnists in the papers. BUT, he and Kimberley seem to be flying across the country to see each other every month. SO, is the divorce still on or is the reconciliation on? Please post what you know. Thanks!! - Gavin Admirer

Spots said...

I have no idea, darling. I refuse to read the rags, speculating about Gavin and his bizarre entanglements.
Destiny provides me with all I need to know. Chemistry makes it's way from the Mayor's Office to the Mission. I am driven by a deeper force.

Quite possibly, the San Francisco Police Force...

Anonymous said...

Spots...thanks for your response. If you find out the deal with Gavin and his future marital status, please post it! Also, your post about your evening out last night was hilarious. Thanks for the laugh. All the best to you! -Gavin Admirer

Anonymous said...

Hey Beth,
is Hangar 1 paying you royalties? You've mentioned them at least twice in the past 3 blogs. This is obviously the new hip drink, but I think you should be rewarded for this product placement! -molly

PS: maybe Gavin will admire your chutzpah for actually speaking so candidly to his people!

Spots said...

I've just discovered Hangar 1, Molls. Laura introduced me to it and it's fabulous. Plus, it was the sponsor of the benefit. Bonus!

As per your comments, I should be getting royalties from the following as I mention them so much on my wildly popular blog:

5. Coppola Claret
4. Hangar 1
3. the cheese industry
2. Bravo Television
1. Gay People

Anonymous said...

Okay, I know you had your big fancy dinner tonight. But you looked amazing. Truly amazing. Pinstripes are YOUR color. Where on earth did you get that incredible outfit? For serious. People were talking.