Back to my addiction with Oprah, which I obviously can’t stop talking about, I’ve had a brilliant idea. On her flawless website, Oprah has a section called “Be on the Show” with a list of upcoming show concepts. Apparently, we’re to contact Oprah’s staff if anything applies and I’ll be responding to the following:
Have you ever snapped? I think we all remember the Jemima incident of ’04. Also, I didn’t handle Bill Murray’s Oscar loss with any particular grace.
Have you managed to forgive the unforgivable? See above. I’ve also managed to hold one hell of a grudge. It all comes down to the right floral arrangement, really. Or the good table at Jardinière.
Do you know someone trapped in the 80’s? Oprah, meet Gayle.
Were you conned by your man? Duh. Who hasn’t been? It’s part of their charm. But I prefer the term swindled.
Ever done something crazy for love? Gladly and regretfully. Have you ever watched foreign sports in a dive bar at 7am? Well, then…
Is there a moment you wish you could take back? Thousands. Oprah could do an entire week on my horrible decision making skills. See above.
You decide Oprah’s next big adventure. Reno, bitch. And she has to stay in the Sky Tower at Circus Circus, eat buffet food and spend at least 15 minutes within the Enchanted Forrest at Finnegan’s.
Do you want to meet a hot celebrity? Fuck yes. Gavin Newsom and Steven from Laguna. I wonder if Oprah watches ‘Guna. Who am I kidding? Of course she does.
I could talk at length about any of it, really. I’d also be willing to lie. No problem with lying whatsoever. If anyone is interested in portraying my lazy husband involved in an emotional affair with an internet woman or my lesbian lover who's ready to help me come out of my designer closet, I'm hella down.
Chicago, here I come…