Wednesday, September 14, 2005

go sell crazy somewhere else...

I’m sure we’re all aware of Pat Robertson’s recent remarks, alerting us to the fact that Hurricane Katrina was punishment for Ellen DeGeneres being a lesbian. We can get all upset and riled up about this, or we can enjoy it. I mean, I find crazy people entertaining. Responding to Pat Robertson is kind of like getting upset about the guy that stands in front of the Gap on Market Street with his big virginity signs. He’ll call me a filthy whore for 5 minutes and then, when I cross the street he’ll begin screaming at a particularly slutty pigeon with the same fervor and commitment he’d focused on me.
Fabulous.
Crazy assholes are everywhere. You don’t need to turn on the Christian Broadcasting Network to find them either. For example, you can do what I did last night and enjoy some late night libations at Marin Joe’s where you’ll find yourself talking to some short, middle-aged douchebag who claims to be a big Hollywood producer. When asked to remove his hand from my leg, he responded with the charming, “Oh, shut up you stupid bitch. You can talk after I’ve fucked you.”
You can’t get mad. He’s crazy.
What’s worse? I googled him. Big Hollywood producer is legit. He’s so legit, in fact, he’s an actual Oscar winner - for Best Fucking Picture. And this guy makes Pat Robertson look like a nun in an AIDS ward.
The insane pop up everywhere. Taking them seriously makes you insane too. However, if you’re feeling tremendously and uncontrollably violent towards Pat Robertson, I’ve got an ass you can kick.
Tomorrow at noon, a middle aged Hollywood producer will be sitting at a bar waiting to “discuss my career.” Yeah right.
Feel free to show up and beat the shit out of him…

5 comments:

laura said...

You can not leave me hanging like this! You owe nothing to this crazy producer, while I am your most loyal reader. What is his name?

Spots said...

Shit. You're right. E-mail me: bethspotswood@yahoo.com

It's good, too...

laura said...

I emailed you 4 hours ago and still have not learned his identity. Has he somehow gotten to you, or are you actually busy at work? Things to ponder...

Spots said...

You did NOT! I've been waiting and waiting, desperate for your reaction. Did I spell my name right?
Resend! Resend! Resend!

laura said...

Oh, what has happened? I emailed you at 11:15. Twice actually, because I forgot to put a subject line in my first email. There is development though, it looks like yahoo mail is broken! I sent three emails this morning to yahoo (two to you, one to the roommate), and I just received a notice from my server telling me that yahoo is reporting an error message. I would cut and paste my message below, but once you receive it you will realize why it cannot be shared with the world at large. Do you have a non-yahoo email address?

In the interim, my email address is laurav@berkeley.edu. It is working just fine. It will have taken all day, but I must know the name of this crazy!