Amanda and I made plans to go out last night, so I got dolled up and drove over to her and Joe’s apartment. Joe was still at work, Alex was at some work party and Alec would be joining us later. Thus, Mandy and I entertained ourselves by reading Vegas Magazine and dancing in the living room.
After an eternity, Alex arrived, then Joe, then Alec. We all began walking down Oak Street to Divis, planning on drinking some infused vodkas at Madrone. All of a sudden, a sharp instrument stabs me in the foot. I scream rather loudly and uncontrollably as I remove my flip flop. A large and probably contaminated screw has gone all the way through my flip flop and pierced me in the middle of the bottom of my foot, a la Jesus.
My peeps gather around, fascinated by a huge screw driven directly through the middle of my flop. Alec repeatedly assured me that I was probably fine, nothing to worry about, but here’s the screw just in case the emergency personnel ask to see it. I limped the rest of the way to Madrone, and dabbed a little vodka on my wound just in case.
Joe announced that the name of today’s blog had to be “Screw this!” as we jammed to the amazing DJ. I don’t often get really into someone’s spinning talents, but this guy was amazing, mixing Tears for Fears with Run DMC. We enjoyed the scene at Madrone for awhile and then decided we needed a change of pace so we followed Joe to Fly Bar.
I had never been to Fly Bar before, but let me just say, thumbs down. A middle aged construction worker and a woman in reverse fit jeans were dry humping in the corner, a collection of nerds were playing pool in the back, congratulating themselves by clinking pool cues, and my wine was served to me in a very large shot glass. Fly Bar is like Chuck E. Cheese for grownups.
We split, but only after Joe and Alec watched me get hit on by a 50-something jazz musician, much to their amusement. Next, we thought we’d check out Lion Pub. As that bar was a good 10 blocks away, there was no way we were walking. It was windy, Amanda’s in 4” wedges, and I have tetanus. So we immediately hailed a cab. As the taxi pulled up to all 5 of us, this dreadful cow in horizontal stripes runs up and opens the door, attempting to steal our cab. Met with a choir of “Hell no!”, I pushed the bitch out of my way and we all dived in the cab, Joe and Alex continuing to scream at her. Dreadful cow stood there looking horrible and stupid and to no one in particular said, “What a bunch of psychos.”
That cracked us up to no end.
Lion Pub was of course packed with an array of roofie-possessing frat boys and scantily clad women in unoriginal outfits. I think somewhere on my way to and from the bathroom, as I pushed my way past the hundreds of people crammed in this place, I got either pregnant or herpes. Possibly both.
So, just to recap, over the course of 3 hours, I infected myself with tetanus, an STD from the 70’s, and a child who will never know his father. It was time to go home…