While I am horrified that someone broke Rhonda the Honda’s window and assaulted her with random ghetto garbage, I reminded myself that it could be worse. My cousin Jessica lives in the Haight and apparently, drives a bright red SUV with broken door locks. Over the course of a week, she would approach her car in the morning to find that someone was systematically using her front passenger seat as a toilet.
Every other day, there’d be a huge shit waiting there for her, a violation far more scathing that simply breaking a window and filling the car with trash. Some creature was treating Jessica’s car as a leather-interiored, port-o-potty.
She called the cops. She (gasp) cleaned that car. Jessica even got up early, holding a stake-out in the hopes of catching “The Shitter.” Her tenacity paid off. The next morning, Jessica spied her car from across the street and saw a bag lady approaching it. In the bag lady’s hand was…wait for it….a roll of toilet paper!
I bitch about the suburbs. I claim I would never again lower myself to bridge and tunnel status. But, my god. The day someone takes a shit in Rhonda the Honda is the day I pack my bags and move to Novato…
5 comments:
Spots -
What you derisively dismiss as mere "shit", may actually be a blessing in disguise for both you and Jessica.
You see, you currently hold the key to a major new breakthrough in automobile technology. The secret is right there in front of you, yet you can't seem to see it.
Consider the following quotes from your post:
-"someone was systematically using her front passenger seat as a toilet."
-"Some creature was treating Jessica’s car as a leather-interiored, port-o-potty"
Well, this "creature" has simply discovered what literally thousands of Americans already know - that automobiles make great toilets. The problem is merely that the technology hasn't yet caught up with the consumer. In other words, if the cars were automatically equipped with toilets pre-installed in the car seats, none of this would even be an issue.
Think about it. How often have you been driving down a long road with no gas station in sight, and realized that you really needed to go, like NOW? Well it happens to me all the time. Normally I use an empty water bottle or something conveniently nearby, but why?
And how many times have you been walking around homeless, looking in vain for somewhere to shit, finally finding an unlocked car to use, only to realize that it doesn't even have a toilet. Did that stop you? Obviously, if your that crazy homeless lady that Jessica was dealing with, the answer is no.
Anyway, my point is that car toilet seats would change all of that. And yet nobody has even submitted a patent for such an invention yet. I'm advising you to think hard about the literally millions of dollars you could be swimming in if you jump on this opportunity NOW! Just do not tell anyone else, because they will almost certainly try to steal this idea and take credit for it as their own.
What do I get out of it? Well, I don't want any royalties or even a free toilet car as a reward for giving you the idea. All I want is the satisfaction of knowing that I made a difference in the world.
Please, help make our dream a reality.
You are not good enough for Novato.
Where did you find it? Interesting read » »
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