While I am horrified that someone broke Rhonda the Honda’s window and assaulted her with random ghetto garbage, I reminded myself that it could be worse. My cousin Jessica lives in the Haight and apparently, drives a bright red SUV with broken door locks. Over the course of a week, she would approach her car in the morning to find that someone was systematically using her front passenger seat as a toilet.
Every other day, there’d be a huge shit waiting there for her, a violation far more scathing that simply breaking a window and filling the car with trash. Some creature was treating Jessica’s car as a leather-interiored, port-o-potty.
She called the cops. She (gasp) cleaned that car. Jessica even got up early, holding a stake-out in the hopes of catching “The Shitter.” Her tenacity paid off. The next morning, Jessica spied her car from across the street and saw a bag lady approaching it. In the bag lady’s hand was…wait for it….a roll of toilet paper!
I bitch about the suburbs. I claim I would never again lower myself to bridge and tunnel status. But, my god. The day someone takes a shit in Rhonda the Honda is the day I pack my bags and move to Novato…