Well, apparently yesterday’s run in with my potential ex-husband prepped me for today’s run in with the fucking hot Sausalito PD. Today, I’m even more dressed to the nines because I’m Zoe’s date to a private shindig at Tosca hosted by the Mayor’s Office. Gavin will be in attendance, so I have to look stunning. After schmozzing with Gavster, Zoe’s dragging me to meet some internet billionaire she wants to fix me up with, so I’m killing two birds with this outfit.
When I walk Emma, I never pick up her poo. I know it’s rude to leave it lying around, but there are just some things I won’t do. I’ve been dog-sitting Emma for years and years and not once have I pooper scooped. Not once. So here we are, Emma and I, strolling along in kitten heels and my ever present shades and who should pull up but a police cruiser. Inside are 2 stunning coppers, their tan muscles bulging through their little shirts. They slowed down as they neared us and rolled down the windows.
All I could think to myself was, “Use normal voice, use normal voice, use normal voice…” But I didn’t have to worry.
The hottest cop spoke. “Hey. Good morning.”
“Hi!” I enthusiastically responded in my natural voice.
Then, as if I was in an episode of Punked or similar, he smiled and said, “I have to tell you, you look beautiful.”
Holy shit. This is fabulous. In a rare moment of wit, I replied wryly, “You talking’ to me or the dog?”
The cops laughed, and the hottest one reached out to pet Emma. With that, my beloved canine companion decides to take a highly illegal shit in the middle of the road.
The tides suddenly turn. The other cop pipes up, “You gotta doggie bag for that?”
“Um, no. I don’t.”
Hot cop is now slightly irked. “You know, you’re supposed to clean up after your dog. Someone’s going to step in that.”
“Yeah. I know. I feel terrible. I’m entirely unprepared.”
“Well, next time, bring a doggie bag.” And with that, off the cruise, rolling their eyes at the well accessorized woman who lets her dog shit all over town. You know, next time, I’m going to walk Emma dressed like ass, covered in doggie bags and men’s clothing. God damn it, a girl just can’t catch a break…