This year, I made my first pilgrimage to The Folsom Street Fair. The Folsom Street Fair, for those that live in caves, is a leather and fetish fair taking place every fall. People fly in from all over the world to attend, and it's a hugely attended fetish weekend. Bonnie, Big Chris, Joe, Itty, and I strolled down to the fair a few months ago.
I walked in a girl. I left a woman.
Surrounded my all variations of nude, we pushed our way into the leather-clad crowd of sweat. As we walked along the stalls, admiring the whips and vibrators and porn for sale, a scaggly gentleman offered us some "cookies." Big Chris was the only one wise enough to just say no, as the rest of us inhaled our curiously green treats and went on our way.
Bonnie and Itty thrilled at getting their photo taken with a gay porn star, as Joe and I posed before an obese woman getting beaten against a tractor. At one point, Joe looked over at me and said, "I don't think these stupid cookies are working."
With that, the skies turned purple, people grew horns and tails, and I started to trip the fuck out. As did, I guess, everyone else.
"You guys." I said. "One way or another, I'm sitting down right now. Be it on the asphalt, a port-o-potty, or a whipping post, I need a moment to maintain my wits."
Everyone readily agreed; the cookies were suddenly working. Joe appeared to be grabbing invisible objects from the air, Itty was shoving chicken breasts in her mouth, and Bonnie kept announcing, "This Fair is fucking hot!"
We decided to pause before a middle-aged couple posing on some stairs. The woman was wearing a huge straw hat, some Southern inspired corset thing, and heels. Her fella wore a straw golf hat, a leather vest, thigh high panty hose, and high heels. They just stood there, casually touching each other, and observing the freak fest. Perhaps they didn't notice, or perhaps simply didn't care, but there was an 80 year old man, standing completely nude, wildly masturbating right next to them. It was this that sent me over the edge. This is the reason I'll never be the same.
"Beth!" Bonnie screamed. "You're staring. That's so rude."
Uh, I think that's the idea, Bon. I pulled out my camera, snapped a shot, and stumbled on my way. We ended up sitting in a burrito joint, with our heads on the table, trying to make sense of the bizarre and come down from those crazy cookies. Itty and I both fell fast asleep by 5pm, and the dreams I dreamed that night were filled with old ladies in leather and giant venereal disease cartoon characters.
I'd gladly recommend the Folsom Street Fair to anyone. Just stay away from the tractor.