This should go without saying, but there's no reason I'd ever purposely watch sports, much less sporting news. On the few occasions I've enjoyed sports, it's been sports documentaries my brother forced me to watch on vacation or rare trips to the ballpark, where they have Coppola wine and cute boys. But the other night, I found myself watching the Channel 2 10 O'Clock News sports segment because of a 49er named Kevan Barlow. Or as I like to call him, Cheekbones.
Kevan (let's just take a moment to appreciate the name 'Kevan') was participating in some charity billiards event, and chose to mark the occasion by wearing a kelly green cable knit sweater, the kind of thing a gay Kennedy would have worn to a Hyannisport garden party in the 60's. It was fabulous. He had a striped shirt on underneath, the huge collar displayed prominently atop the kelly green. His diamond earring almost winked at me, as suddenly, I noticed his ridiculous cheekbones.
Why is it that people who could care less about it always have the best features? Long eyelashes, thick hair, cheekbones...boys never give a shit. I guarantee you Kevan Barlow has never stood before the mirror and said, "Fuck, I have me some fabulous cheekbones."
But he does. He looks like a Sub-Saharan supermodel.
The Channel 2 Sports guy kept asking rude questions about why the 49ers suck so hard right now, which I didn't know. Perhaps I misunderstand sports culture, but isn't every city supposed to blindly worship their sports teams, regardless of performance? It worked for Boston. Poor Kevan had to dodge questions like "What do you have to say to all Niner fans, who are struggling out there right now?"
I know what I'd say, but it's too easy...
For 10 minutes, this guy goes on and on about how shitty the 49ers are playing, and Kevan just stood there with his pool cue and cheekbones, trying to be fabulous, and explain that the team is really young and finding themselves and learning how to play together. (Snooze. Just stand there and look pretty and let the bad man tell us how much you suck.)
I actually found it fascinating that I got to discover the marvelous Kevan while at the same time watch him respond to bitchy gossip about a glorified game of capture the flag. I finally had to change the channel, when the interviewer and the guys in the studio all started making fun of Kevan's kelly green cable knit sweater.
Now that's just wrong.