Last night, I watched Tom Cruise: Inside the Actor’s Studio. Oh. My. God. What a freak.
Have I told you my theory about huge, international celebrities? I maintain, that once you reach a certain level of celebrity, you begin to lose your gauge of what’s normal and what’s not. So many people fawn over every little thing you say, you can basically do no wrong, and people always laugh at your jokes. You have no gauge of when you’re being funny or not, when you sound smart or not, when you’re making an ass of yourself to us regular people, because you are surrounded (whether you want to be or not) by people who do nothing but kiss your ass. I have 3 excellent examples of this.
1. My friend Lauren is currently an actress in LA. Prior to this, she was an actress in New York. While there, she appeared as slut #2 in a Ricky Martin video. She found herself filming a scene in a nightclub, squished into a booth with Ricky and some other skanks, and having to talk to Ricky in between takes. He spoke of Puerto Rico and his love for water. At one point, a production assistant piped up and said, “Oh Ricky. I love water, too.” Ricky high fives this jackass, and the entire nightclub applauds.
2. While watching a “Making of The Gladiator” on HBO, I observed Russell Crowe (that’d be Oscar winning Russell Crowe) wandering around the set pretending his sword was a penis. This is in the background, while the director is being interviewed. When it’s finally Russell’s turn to be interviewed, he cracks some off-color jokes to the dead silence around him. He then spits, gets up, and walks away.
3. Finally, we come to the great Kevin Spacey, who has so many gauge infractions, I don’t know where to begin. At a televised tribute to the Beatles, he performed “Mind Games” onstage (entirely solo), while sweating and dancing around like a drunk uncle at a wedding. I could see him at some meeting months before, coming up with this grand scheme to show off his skills, and no one, not even his closest advisors, had the balls to say, “Uh, Mr. Spacey. Perhaps that’s not the best idea.” Worse, recently, he was cruising some gay park in London at 4am, let some tweaker steal his cell, called the cops and said he was mugged, and then called back and said, nope, actually I gave some tweaker my phone. I lied before. “Oh, no problem, Mr. Spacey. We all understand. (snicker, snicker.)”
The point is, at a certain level, you can no longer tell what is acceptable behavior and what is not, because you have an entourage of 27 people who give you a standing ovation every time you take a shit. Tom Cruise has reached that point. Last night, on Inside the Actor’s Studio, I became so embarrassed for him, I was forced to change the channel. I took notes. Hold on. I’ll get them.
Fist of all, he’s taller than James Lipton, which let’s you know how fucking short Lipton is. Interesting. Tom has trouble answering direct questions. When asked about childhood financial hardships early in the interview, Tom goes off into this diatribe about how those hardships build character and gets all philosophical, to the point of not making sense. Shut up, Tom. We just wanted to hear about how you had to gut fish or clean train station bathrooms. Save the propaganda for the Q&A.
And talk about father issues. When asked why he changed his name, he practically hit James Lipton for suggesting he wanted to disassociate himself from his father. After 10 minutes of ass kissing and coddling, Tom says he changed his name because he wanted to disassociate himself from his father. Hello? Every question sent him off into some intense personal place of incoherent justification of god knows what. He rambles and pontificates and never comes to a point. (Yeah, I know, I know. Shut the fuck up.)
Of course, they touch on the movies that Tom wants to talk about. Sure, there’s no mention of Losin’ It or All the Right Moves. But no Cocktail? Come on! We spend 45 minutes on Vanilla Sky, and no fucking Cocktail? That’s a bunch of malarkey.
The thing is, even though Tom Cruise is practically from another planet, it’s not really his fault. He became a superstar at 21, and as we all know, 21 year old men are very, very stupid. So, people have been telling him he’s a genius since then. Plus, look at him. My god, he’s glowing. They showed all kinds of baby pictures, and Tom was a strikingly good looking toddler. He’s gorgeous, and even though he makes no sense and can barely function, he’s so fucking beautiful, you just smile and nod along with everyone else. Keep talking, pretty boy. We don’t care about what you’re saying, we just want to see those teeth.
I would just like to take this opportunity to say that you fine people have no problem telling me when I’m making an ass of myself. When I’m a huge, international celebrity…you can all kiss my ass like crazy. I’m going to dress like a drag queen and publicly sing and pretend my sword is a penis. Why? Because I can, that’s why.
Isn’t that the whole point of being famous?