Thursday, August 12, 2004

the sign of satan...

We are now in Beijing, at The Penninsula Palace Hotel, and Alex and I are in room 666. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Not only that, but mom and dad are next door, which I generally hate as I'd prefer the annonymity of being on a different floor, but their room isn't even ready yet. At 4 fucking pm. Thus, we're all crammed in room 666 exhausted, cranky, and dreaming of The St. Regis. I had to get out. So I came to The Business Center. At least I know when to separate myself.
Everyone is driving me nuts. My mother referred to John Mak-lo-vitch and I was ready to stab her with my complimentary pen. My father, assuming all things are foriegn and different in China, couldn't figure out how to twist the top off a bottle of Evian. Literally. I'm ready to kill these idiots that created me. Yes, yes, I know they're wonderful parents who, as my grandmother puts it, whisk me all over the world. But this is the part of family vacations I dread. I'm 26. Having dinner at my parent's house requires that I bite my tounge every 15 minutes. We're on Day 6 of being stuck with each other, it's hot as a mother-fucker, and the sound of my family's voices is making my ears bleed. I keep listening to my CD player spinning "Shut up" by The Black Eyed Peas, just watching their lips move.
We took off from Shanghai in a typhoon, and of course, it's pouring rain in Beijing. It was so hot and humid on the fucking 1970's East China Airlines plane that you coulda steamed rice. Annie, our scantilly clad guide here, informed us to have a big breakfast as we're walking everywhere tomorrow, about 7 miles, and we won't get back to the hotel till, like 6. Thus far, our schedule has been doing our own thing in the moring (my thing being shopping) and then returning to the hotel in the early afternoon for spa treatments or similar. 8:30-6 hiking all over town with the broken english bombshell is not what I had in mind.

This is what it's like travelling with me. I'm in such a shitty mood, I'm ready to kill the Mid-western idiot at the compter next to me. My god, who are these people? I get that this is an incredible experience, that I'm seeing things most people never have the opportunity to see. But think of all the places you want to go, then imagine going there with both of your parents. It gets hard. Really hard. And suddenly, your mother says Maklovitch and you're ready to fly home. Fucking Maklovitch. Are you kidding me?

My CD player has become my therapy. I block everyone out with my constant replaying of the same songs. Every trip, I bring a million CD's, but only end up listening to 3 of them, obsessed with hearing the same thing over and over. I can't explain it. This trip, it's the entire Scissor Sisters CD, minus the last song, The Last Emperor Soundtrack, and Gavin DeGraw singing a cover of "Against All Odds" which breaks my heart everytime I hear it. The only thing that has the ability to put me in an instant good mood is "Filthy/Gorgeous" by The Scissor Sisters, as I've envisioned an entire video starring me, which I performed for Alex last night. It involves me crushing martini glasses with my fabulous Manolo's on the bar at The Redwood Room.
I just called Alex up in the room, who informed me that it's safe to come up. The folks have now moved next door, to room 668. As he's saying this, however, I hear in the background, "Hey Alex, how do you work the lights?"

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

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Elizabeth said...

I'm actually reading this post because it was linked in one of your more recent posts and I was inspired to comment because you mentioned your CD player and it caught my eye as being so quaint and old fangled. It's like being in a time machine!

But while I'm at it, I'll tell you that I have been the grown adult travelling internationally with her normally-smart-but-they-leave-the-US-and-become-ANNOYING parents too so I feel you on this. My mother WHO, I should point out, LIVED IN ENGLAND FOR 25 YEARS AND THEREFORE SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE VERY WELL, was stumbling around LHR looking for the god damned rental car area and it took all my patience not to scream at her that OMG MOM FOLLOW THE SIGNS THAT SAY RENTAL CARRRRRRRRRS!!!!!!