Here I am in gorgeous Shanghai. This is fucking awesome. But first things first.
...and now, a minute by minute account of the past 14 hours of my life...
At check in, we were told that the probability of Alex and my being upgraded was high. We were instructed to wait to board, and if spaces were still available in Business Class, we'd get them. Long story short; they weren't. We angrilly flew coach and I decided to entertain myself by detailing the hell I knew I was about to endure.
2:15pm PST, We're scheduled to take off now. Why aren't we? The movies are 50 First Dates, Hidalgo, and Shrek 2. Um, no thanks.
2:45pm, Fuck You United. I'm listening to an electronic device during take off.
3:03pm, Take off
3:15pm, fill out foreign entry cards, befriend gay steward, Jason, whom I now love.
3:25pm, start drinking shitty wine. (Brooks Hollow cabernet. Beware!) I bet they have better wine in Biz. Class.
3:51pm, start to pretend I'm on my own private plane, jetsetting across the globe. Alex wants to know why I'm still wearing sunglasses as I read Elle.
5:30pm, Extreme boredom setting in. Mom stopped by to rub in coach. Mix of Vallium and wine making me begin to cry at Avril Levigne (sp?) song? Worrisome.
6:15pm, I hate all music. I've read my Elle twice and am too antsy to read my book. Sent Dad to get us Biz. Class snacks. Are we there yet? Starting to hate those around me.
6:20pm, Dad brought us cheese and grape plate. Consumed in 2 minutes as we didn't want to get caught with fancy snacks. I wonder what all my friends are doing?
6:31pm, have become fascinated by cheapest pillow in the history of air travel.
6:35pm, I'm starting to hate my outfit.
7:15pm, Dad appears with sandwiches, chips, and Toblerone. Fuckin' Biz Class.
8:00pm, disccovered Chinese man across from Alex reading United's copies of Ebony and Shape En Espanol. Curious.
8:25pm, Jason the steward stopped by with a list of great places in Shanghai and Beijing for pearls, knock offs, and cheap massages. Fabulous.
9:00pm, bizarre snack of Chinese Cuo O' Noodles, mini-apple, and short bread. Gave Alex gross soup. I hope Dad keeps the snack train coming.
9:10pm, forced to tackle stewardess for coffee. I bet they have biscotti in Biz Class.
9:28, Alex is fascinated with woman across from him who keeps staring in his direction. We've decided to actively spy on her and the Ebony guy, who seem to have become friends. Seats 61 H and J.
9:40, addition of coffee to system has me on speed-like high. Convinced I should get a Scissor Sisters logo tattoo somewhere on me. This is the greatest album I've ever heard in my life.
9:43, So Bored and can't see the video screen. 61 H and J are now networking with those around them.
9:50, Fuck Biz Class. Equality, not Economy!
10:00, on a Friday night. I could be at The Redwood Room having not only fun, but sufficient legroom.
10:05, show big map on screen. 4 and a half hours till Shanghai. We're past the international dateline and nearing Japan. Okay. This is cooler than The Redwood Room.
10:59, starting to get noticeably horrible. Craning neck to see Shrek 2. Air conditioning blowing in my face. Been here for 9 hours. Oh god. I actually just drooled on myself.
11:46, nearing Japanese coast. We're going 565 mph. Less than 3 hours left. Dad came by with more provisions from civilization, including cheddar cheese and jelly beans. I feel sick.
12:25amPST, somewhere over Tokyo. Hour 10 of flight. Ready to parachute out of here.
12:26, Why are they showing the safety video again? Getting second wind.
12:32, Second wind gone.
12:40, Alex is asleep with his mouth open and I'm tempted to put things in it. Is physical pain worth a chuckle? Let's see...Yes! It is. I have the hardcore giggles now. Putting pens in Alex's mouth. In hysterics. Alex still asleep. Never been one for such cheesy comedy. Must be delirium. But that doesn't mean I'll stop. Feeling very obnoxious. More so than usual. Must cause trouble.
1:03, did my shower, tooth brush, hair styling, re-make up in the potty. Peeked out window at Japam below. Looks as I remeber it.
1:25, This food is appalling. Some kind of pasta with red sauce, random melon, and shitty cookie.
2:00am PST (5pm Shanghai.) 15 hours ahead. 45 minutes till landing. Oh god. They're about to spray us with bugkiller. Alex is taking pictures.
2:25am, descending! Over East China Sea. I never heard of East China Sea. 15 more minutes! Some one just applied a gallon of cologne. Damn you, Duty Free...
2:40, Alex pipes up, "It looks like rice paddies." All flight attendants congratulating us for surviving coach, especially Jason. Alex wonders aloud how gays always find me immediately. I'm blessed, I guess.
2:45am, (5:45pm Shanghai time) Touchdown. Holy Shit, we're in China.
We were met at the airport by Rei, our fabulous little guide. We made it to this gorgeous hotel within and hour of landing and are getting ready to go to the Grand Hyatt's "Canton" for some swanky dinner. It's 5am to me right now. And I'm not that tired. Although a little dazed. But, hells bells, y'all. I made it.
Gotta run. I think they're changing me a limb per minute.