Yesterday, I was on the phone for awhile with my good friend, Kelsey. We came to the conclusion that really, all of our lives would be a lot easier without any men around. Thus, we propose this:
Move all men to Australia. Based on birthday, each woman gets a yearly trip Down Under. (For example, I’d be on the January 28th flight.) Muriel’s Wedding is always the in-flight movie. All the men line up, and you get to pick one to bring back. Whenever you’re done with him, send him back at any time, or simply keep him until your next birthday. Then, trade up. What? It sounds a lot like slavery? Well, what do you think they’ve been doing to us for the last 2000 years?
This way, they’re almost like pets. And hopefully, they’ll all develop those charming accents. It’s win-win. Men should be delighted to be used only for sex and eye candy. We don’t want your money. We’re not even particularly interested in your thoughts. And we certainly don’t need your mind-game bullshit. It all comes down to the nookie.
Now, if you find a good one, ladies, you may approach the Estrogen Alliance (made up of 12 brilliant women) and apply for a man permit. A man permit allows you a 5 year window to see if he’s worth the trouble. Because, as we all know, they can rock for a few months, but when the honeymoon is over, suddenly you’re opening your own goddamn door. If, at any time during the 5 years, you realize that this man is just like every other asshole, you may return him. You will also have the option of tattooing a note on his body somewhere, so that other women on other flights will know he’s a jerk.
If, by some freak chance, you and he spend 5 years in bliss, then you may apply for Permanent Man Status (PMS), which would be quite rare. This gets a little more complicated, as now females have to collectively agree that this man is worthy of living permanently amongst women. There is a world-wide vote (obviously, Australia is excluded) and the results are televised. Keep in mind, with PMS, you give up your seat on all flights Down Under.
Obviously, some details need to be worked out. With no women in Australia, who dresses them? I mean, they need to look cute when we come for selection. Also, what about the gays? I propose they should be allowed to live amongst the women. They’ve been nothing but good to us throughout history, and have been screwed by the straights as well.
Now, I know some good men, and I'm sure you do too. Prior to shipping them all off, you may make a case for your guy friends or current boyfriend. However, keep in mind that their history as it pertains to women will be debated hotly.
Regardless, Kelsey and I are ready to put this plan into action immediately. We’re currently in talks with prominent Australian women. We seek your support and look forward to a land in which women can live truly free.