Wednesday, July 21, 2004


My brother Alex, whom I love and adore, is a little piece of shit. As we all know, if anything ever happened to my baby brother, I’d kill myself on the spot. I worry about that boy like nothing else. I cannot imagine what would happen, were I without my Lexi.
20 minutes ago, my father calls me in hysterics.
“Alex’s boss called. Alex has apparently been in a car accident and is on his way to the hospital. I’m driving to Marin General now!”
“What!” I’m screaming.  I’m running all over the house, grabbing phones and throwing shoes on. “I’m calling Alex’s work.”
I call Paradise Café, where Frank answers.
“Well, golly, Beth. I got a message from someone claiming to be Alex’s father, saying Alex was on his way to the hospital. So I call up Dick, and he has no idea what I’m talking about. I guess it was a crank call.”
“Okay, Frank.” I say. “I’ll keep you posted.”
I call Alex. He doesn’t answer, so I leave him a hysterical message.
Then, I think maybe Alex and some of his jackass friends are trying to get out of work so they can go to strip clubs, speakeasys, or similar. But I call said friends, and they haven’t heard from him.
I’m still hysterical, and on my way out the door, on the phone with my dad when I see “Alex’s cell” calling on the other line.
“Hello? Lex? Hello?”
“Uh. I’m fucking fine. Jesus. Frank totally got the wrong message. I needed to get out of work, so I said I got in a fucking fender bender.”
“You fucking piece of shitty shit. Oh my god, you need to call everyone you know because you’re about to be on the evening news.”
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when once my brother was a fucking idiot…