Today, my friend Jason and I went shopping in Union Square. Jason, being the straight that he is, can’t pick out his own clothes, and as I am happy to shop 24/7, we often peruse the current designer lines together. Our favorite place to check out menswear is The Saks Fifth Avenue Men’s Store, Fifth Floor Designer Sportswear. The fifth floor is where all the Prada, Gucci, Yamamoto, etc. is. It’s also where Ryan is.
Ryan looks like a 12 year old Cambodian boy dressed by Donnatella Versace. He’s kind of whiny and impish, and he takes couture very seriously. Jason and I find him a great source of interest and ridicule and often make a point of interacting with him. In fact, we refer to shopping as “visiting Ryan.“ Today, Ryan and I had a pow-wow regarding my sequined flip flops. Ryan loves them. He’s going to buy several pairs of them for his “guests” to use at his apartment. Can you imagine going to visit your little friend Ryan, the designer retail diva, and discover upon your arrival at his fabulously appointed flat that you’ve been offered sequined flip flops for your comfort. I fucking love this guy.
He’s so beautifully and ironically out of touch with fashion, he confused my Old Navy jacket and skirt for Prada and Theory, and was shocked to learn that the cost of my entire look was about $30. I decided to find it charming instead of sad, as we love our Ryan so, but I must admit I’m a little disappointed he’s got such a shitty eye. I think my neighbor, Big Juan, probably knows the difference between Old Navy and Prada. Why doesn’t Ryan?
I want to know everything about Ryan. Where’s he from? Who does he date? How does he afford all this designer shit? I think Jason and I should take him out and befriend him. I want Ryan at my parties, telling me how “divine” my accessories are and sipping his mojito. He adds such flavor and entertainment value to our shopping, one can only imagine the pizzazz he brings to one’s personal life.
So, dear Ryan, if you’re reading this, the girl in the sequined flops and the guy with the natural highlights adore you.
Find us, and make our lives extraordinary.